Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Pictures of snow
I think I need to constantly remind myself of these moments. Maybe thats the reason for this blog. I look at pictures of Blanche and feel so blessed. Blanche is so much of the beauty and magic in my life. For me, its just remembering. I take pictures of her all the time on instagram, and I think its easy to fool people (especially those who haven't been a mother) that my day is full of happy little moments. A lot of my day is cleaning up messes. A lot of my day is having a child at my feet.
I do things differently than most. I know that. But I take pride in that. Or at least I try to. For example, Blanche loves water. One day she noticed me doing the dishes and how it seemed to be so much fun. And in that moment I remembered reading a memoir about a mom who was writing about her mother-in-law letting her son do things that she would never let him do. The example she gave was that grandma would put her grandson on the edge of the sink and let him splash his feet in the water. For some reason, it made me want to do that with Blanche. So we have started this routine now. Where Blanche "helps me do the dishes." Every single time. She sits on the edge with her little feet in the water. She helps me "rinse" and "dry". I told Andrew one day that I deserve a peace prize for washing dishes this way.
The thing is, I want to be that kind of mom. The one that lets her child make a mess. But then other times I just want to get the dishes done. I guess its a balance between the magical and the practical. There's also the line of trying to be the best mom I can be, and getting so close to absolutely loosing my mind. Sometimes I feel like there are not very many people that really, truly understand how I feel. Lately I have felt (I think it might actually be true) that I haven't had a full hour of time to myself. Maybe most moms don't. I don't really know. All I know is that Blanche has gotten six teeth in the last three months. Plus all of this junk happened. And to add to the exhaustion, it has been the holiday season. So maybe there is a reason that I haven't had a moment to breathe. Sometimes its just really tiring. Blanche isn't an amazing sleeper. Well, she can be, but she is very aware of my presence. I've been writing this post at 11pm and have already had to go upstairs once. Uhh. Maybe I'm just complaining about the hardships of motherhood. But I think its more than that. I have heard older women say how they lost themselves in being a mother. So much of who I am is a mother, but I'm also other things as well. But I feel like I don't have time to be those other things most of the time.
Andrew and I were talking yesterday about how I should focus in on just one or two things. Like my hobbies that I don't really have time for. This blog, and the photos on it for instance. But the thing is, most of the time I feel like I'm all over the place because I am all over the place. I'm just searching and longing for a moment to be creative. To do something besides mommy stuff. Maybe I just need to accept this stage of life. Thats the thing I have the most trouble explaining to people. I feel like a part of me is this expressive and creative person. And so much of the time the "practical" things take first place. And then the part of me that I love the most gets pushed to the back. And then I feel like its slowly dying.
So maybe thats why I need to look at pictures of Blanche in the snow. I need to see the magic. The creativity. I need to take up her passion and joy that she so freely gives when I feel like I've lost so much of mine. Maybe I'm still trying to process everything that has went on in the last month too… so many maybes.