The last two weeks have been long and have seemed to drag winter on more than I desire. I remember just a month ago we had a couple really warm days and it was beginning to feel like spring. I love Spring. The earth is still cold, but our bodies and faces can feel the sun warming it. I am ready to be warm. I am ready to pack a lunch and spend all morning outside, only coming in if Blanche needs to rest. I am ready to not have to think of things for us to do inside. I am ready to not feel like I should go work out because of lack of activity. Spring reminds me that no matter how cold and dead things can seem, that life is still around me, and budding with beauty.
Maybe it is because lately I haven't felt very inspired. I want spring to come and inspire me. I ran into one of my old art professors on Valentines Day in a thrift store. We smiled and exchanged hellos. I was wearing Blanche on my back in hopes to keep her out of everything. I felt like the art professor and I both had the same look in our eyes. Hoping to find something new among all of the old. He had his hands full of things and was on his way out. He asked me if I had been doing any art. He made me feel like an actual artist. And it made me remember how much I loved making art. I told him I had been doing some photography. And in my head I said, "But isn't everyone doing some photography?" I love and hate instagram. Then I told him Blanche kept me pretty busy, but I missed the art community, and that sometimes I get pretty bored in the mom club. I mean, I am one of those boring moms. That talks about naps and if Blanche is eating anything more than goldfish. But sometimes I'm tired of being around people that are just as tired as I am. I want to be refreshed and inspired. I long to create and to have conversations that deal with topics I truly care about. I mean, I do truly care about parenting. Thats why I am an advocate for Attachment Parenting. But most of the time no one asks me about that. They ask me if Blanche is weaned. And no, she isn't.
I talked to my mom on FaceTime with Blanche today. She said I seemed sad. I'm not really sad. I just feel like I am the essence of winter. There seems to be so much hope in the ideas and thoughts of the future and coming months, but as of now I am cold, and tired, and rather dull.
I do think that most of the time I can't blame everyone else around me for how I am living. I can't say that I am dull because I am around dull people. Maybe I am the one making those around me dull. So, I have to take the first step. And it if is inspiration I am looking for, at least I am living in the age of the internet.
I found the most beautiful artist last night. Her name is Nirrimi. Maybe you have heard of her. She's won several national and international awards. I highly recommend reading her "about me" section of her blog, here. She's only 20. She has a one year old girl. Her words and pictures are stunning and inspire me. I read this post of hers, last night. Its called, "Why I want Children Young." Reading it made me want to live each moment to the fullest with Blanche. To always have my camera and to write about my past and my life now.
The pictures above are from the last couple of weeks. The last four are from today. In our lonesome wintery days Blanche has come to love making videos of herself and watching them on the computer. This morning she was trying to hit play on the movies with her toes. Such a monkey. She has had a bad cough so we haven't been playing in all the rain and snow. We've just been playing in the much warmer version known as hot baths. We take at least one a day. Sometimes two. One day three. I make sure to pour avocado oil in if we have more than one. It doesn't matter whats going on, if we draw a hot bath and both get in. The world stops. Sometimes just for fifteen minutes, but it gets us through. The last picture is from the blog I linked. This is Nirrimi and Alba. There are so many gorgeous photos, and many of them remind me of my relationship with Blanche. I found this one just now, and it feels so familiar.
I've always thought of you as an artist even though I'm not sure I've seen any of your art past photography, which I love. It may be because I knew you before Blanche? I can't remember.
ReplyDeleteI also think artistic people have a harder time with winter. They seem to need the sun & color much more than the rest of us. I love winter, even the dull grayness of it but I think it's something I've grown into & learned to appreciate more than when I was young. It makes the summer brighter & sweeter.
As always I love your post.