Monday, August 5, 2013
Often times I sit down at computer to write because I know its what I should do. I am actually proud of myself for sitting down to write. It will be a year ago next month that I wrote this resolution. Part of me sort of feels like every other mom out there writing a blog. And I am. But I also know that so many bloggers become great writers and photographers by simply practicing with what they have.
I have always been an imaginative person. I am not sure if its called an artist or a visionary or maybe just a child. I see and hear beautiful things that I want to put down on paper. I see Blanche in some moments of the day and feel so much love, and I wonder if I could ever take a picture that would let someone feel that. I see other photographers and read beautiful poetry and know it is possible.
I know I won't have quiet afternoons forever, so during these times I write. When I was pregnant with Blanche I wrote more on the blog about how it felt to be pregnant. I never really officially announced that I was pregnant again. I do think I have mentioned it on here. In the midst of moving across the country, taking care of a toddler, and still having this experience in the back of my mind, I guess this pregnancy hasn't seemed as real to me yet. I am showing now. And Andrew will tell you I have the stomach and emotions of any normal pregnant woman. This week we are going to have a sonogram done and will get to hear the heartbeat and see the baby for the first time at almost 17 weeks.
I was looking through newborn pictures of Blanche just a bit ago and this strange feeling came over me. So much of the time I find myself processing the stressful things with Andrew. I find myself so tired in the evenings with Blanche and wonder how I could have another baby. But as I was looking at her newborn pictures I realized that if all goes well, by mid January I will be holding my own little newborn once again. I will get to smell that newborn smell and have a baby roll from one hand to another with such little muscle control. Sure there will always be worries and stresses. But no mother ever got herself through pregnancy and labor by thinking about the long and sleepless nights ahead. Mothers continue and stay strong by focusing on so many of the beautiful moments that come with babies and children. I am hopeful and excited to bring another baby into the world. To nurse and rock and love again. To surprise myself with how much love I have to give.