I use to be the type of person that had expectations. If you ask my husband, I still am. I like to think though that I have gotten much better at not building up experiences before they happen and simply trying to wait to see what they will be. My mind works too much and my imagination is too vivid to simply not think about the future. When I start thinking about the future, I start picturing how things might be. And then I try and tell myself these things are stories I am making up and not real life.
I write this because when Andrew and I were moving down here, we had not even seen the place we were going to live. We kept going through the photos of the showroom on the website and trying to imagine our retro red kitchen table in place of the modern one in the picture. All I really knew was that we would have a little fenced in porch. Which may not seem like anything too special, but in Arkansas we just had a slab on concrete and Blanche knew no limits to her wandering. I started picturing how I could sit and relax with a gated patio. Then before I knew it this new little luxury turned into a full on expectation of greatness. I would put Blanche's easel on the patio. We would have our chairs and she would paint while I drank coffee.
What has surprised me is that this has actually happened. Well, Blanche does throw her markers (no paint yet) almost every time by the end of our session outside. Which results in having to put them away. And for awhile she was dropping bits and pieces of chalk down to the first floor over the railing. She has gotten better at that. Plus its a little warm for coffee. But I know it will get cooler.
This morning Andrew was sleeping in a bit after working a late shift. As I tried to wake up while drinking my coffee there was a little sadness that I often get when I feel like all I am doing is surviving. People that love to create and express themselves artistically can't just live to survive. We have to make things too. I do try to constantly let myself create in ways that can benefit my family. Thats why I make baby books for my babies and why I sometimes write and post on this blog. This morning when I started feeling lonely for creativity I saw almost at the same time how the morning sunlight was pouring in through our big glass doors and onto the floors. I also noticed that wow, Blanche has really great hair. Sometimes when you are around a person almost every waking moment you don't notice those things. I love the feeling of looking through my fixed 50 lens at her in the sunlight. Even if that fixed 50 is plastic and the auto focus in broken. Its almost more romantic. I see her soft skin and beautiful blonde hair come in and out of focus as I try so hard to get a crisp shot before she moves again.
We went out to the place I had dreamed about, our little apartment patio. Blanche colored and tested the boundaries like she always does. Coloring a little on the board, a little on the patio, and a little on her fingers. Always looking up to see what I would say. I would say what she should do probably ten times. And then I started to think maybe I am more artist than mother because I would rather let her do what she wants so I can capture a beautiful image over teaching her boundaries.
I am thankful for mornings like these when I can capture the ordinary and look back to see the beauty in the moment. Photography has always been a beautiful thing to me because once I start capturing the images around me, I begin to see that so much of the ordinary is beautiful. It is also why I love to write. I recently read something like, "We write to taste life twice…" And thats why I take pictures too. So I can taste the moments I love again and again.