Saturday, June 21, 2014
Last weekend our family went to Blanco Texas to their annual Lavender Festival. I love where we are in Texas because it takes no time at all to go from the big city feel of Austin to being in the middle of nowhere. We drove through the city and then the country. Through rolling hills until we came upon the lavender farm outside of Blanco. Imagine Lavender Farm was the farm we went to in the first several pictures. We rolled our windows down entering the farm before we even saw lavender, but the air smelled so sweet and fresh.
The girls rode well all the way to the farm. Andrew's mom and I were in the back together. Sometimes when I get in the car and we start to drive away from our little apartment the difficulties seem to melt away with each mile. I have always felt blessed with the mother in law I was given. And lately I have felt that even more. The morning of the festival began with me hurting my postpartum back while shaving in the shower, being tired from my emotions the night before, and realizing all of my shorts and nursing tanks were dirty. Sometimes life just feels overwhelming. All those little things add up and leave me feeling like a frumpy mess that should crawl back in bed. I ended up crying and hugging Andrew's mom. The funny thing about all those little things is we all know its not really about the little things. I try to be brave with all the big things and then crumble when I don't have anything to wear. I have probably always been like that. I'm sure in middle school when my parents were getting a divorce I cried more about not having anything to wear.
A person can only be brave for so long. There is something so comforting about Andrew's mom that I know I will probably cry when I hug her if I'm sad. Right after having Rosemary when we came to her house for dinner I had been cold to Andrew in the car, and the moment I saw Andrew's mom I teared up. I was so terrified of parenting two little girls alone.
The morning of the lavender festival I knew that I just needed a hug and then to leave the house. That moment the windows were rolled down and I could smell the lavender, I knew I had made the right decision. Later when I was sitting in the lawn chair next to Blanche playing in the sandbox, with smells of lavender dancing in my hair and the sun shinning on my face, I exclaimed happily, "All I need is a glass of lemonade and I am good for the rest of the day!" I not only got my lemonade at the festival later that day, but lavender lemonade.
As I become older I am realizing that it is important to recognize my emotions, but to not live in them. The good or bad does not go away if I choose to not admit how I feel. But sometimes my emotions can paralyze me. I start to feel alone and that I will always be alone. Or that things will never change. But every day is different. And by choosing to recognize that life is not always easy is the best way for me to start trying harder, or maybe to start praying harder. To choose happiness and see my blessings. To press on. Sometimes I may try and be strong by hiding how I feel, but true empowerment is admitting that I am scared. Then the next day I wake up and do something about it.
Maybe this makes sense. Maybe not. All I know is that I love my family and all the people around me that love me so well. I also really love lavender.