Monday, June 16, 2014

Why I Believe In God

The other day a child of a new friend randomly asked if I was a Christian. I was taken by surprise when she asked, and I honestly surprised myself by how hard it felt to answer. I said, "Well, I guess you could call me that. I believe in God and Jesus."

I don't normally write about "what I call myself." Because I don't think it really matters, and there are a lot of blogs out there already talking about religion, culture, and God. I like to write about my every day life. A lot of times that includes God. It rarely includes the church though. Because I don't really believe in the church like I believe in God. Thats why I feel funny saying yes I am a Christian.

I am constantly turned off from the church by the culture wars that surround our country. I feel like the church spends a lot of time dumbing down who Jesus really was or using him as an object against people. I don't think this is who Jesus is or was. When I meet new people I don't really ask about church or what they believe. I just want to know who they are. As people. It doesn't matter to me. I know eventually if we become friends, I am sure conversations about life will come up.

Because of my distaste of some of the religious culture in our country, I often find myself slipping away from God. I know this is why God says we need the church. And honestly, whenever I do go to church I find loving people. I also feel a bit odd and uncomfortable. But I feel pretty comfortable with Jesus.

God to me isn't contained in a building. I could show up at church in my pajamas and braless, and I think God would still find me.

The last couple of months have been rough for me. I feel like I am on a roller coaster of feeling like I have control over my day to day life, and then it all falling apart. Yesterday was probably the worse day I have ever had as a mother. Mostly because of how I responded as a mother, not because of my children. Most of motherhood does not come easy for me. The parts that are the easiest are the things I was already good at doing. Like crafts or snuggling. Things like patience and kindness are harder when everything is chaotic. And then I really dislike myself. At the end of these awful days, however often they may come, I always feel like God is my answer. And its not about his rules or what the church says I should do. Its a feeling of overwhelming love. And that in His example of perfect love and patience, I too can raise my children that way.

I believe in God because I honestly don't think I could get through life without that hope. I am weak person. I have to believe in God. I see mothers on instagram and other blogs and their lives literally seem like a walking nightmare. For example this woman and reading her story as she tries to continue living her life after her three year old son was hit by a car and killed. I know some may read these things and not believe in God. Because why would a good God do such a thing? Others may say God gave her a tough hand of cards because He knew she could handle it. I think thats bullshit. Because I think God grieves for those losses more than anyone. This is where it boils down to what each person believes. What their gospel truly is. My gospel is that God is a good God. That He loves us. I also believe He gave us the choice to not choose Him. And the absence of God is the removal of all things good. All things lovely. All beauty and love. And our world is fallen. But God brings redemption and love. He doesn't give a tough hand of cards and walk away.

I write all this because I have a hard time making it through my days sometimes. Even while writing this Rosemary has been fussing, wiggling on my lap, hitting the key board. Blanche has spilled her snack all over the floor twice and instead of watching her movie is digging through the craft drawers. All I want to do is sit and write. And I feel hot and sweaty and tired of constant baby needs. But I see other women who only want this one thing that I have. And I know I am blessed. I know God is here. And He does love me. And that I will make it.

I posted this picture because when I was taking these pictures of wildflowers, however cheesy it may seem to say I saw God in the beautiful flowers, I did. I wasn't trying to. I had been hiking and everyone had went ahead. While I watched the warm wind blow the flowers wildly and I saw all the colors and shapes, I thought about how whoever made something like this was an artist. And then I felt like my heart heard a whisper, "I am more like you then you think."

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