Friday, August 15, 2014

I am Loved in Arkansas

In my mind I had taken so many pictures while we were in Arkansas. The reality once again, is that most of the time I am already doing 3-5 different things. Most of the time it includes wearing Rosemary, nursing Rosemary, helping with Blanche, talking with someone else, and so on. So once again, I find that I took a lot of pictures on my phone. We did have one nice slow morning that I was able to take a few pictures. The first morning that we were in town, we were able to spend time with Joy and Rosa. Andrew and I had both worked with Joy, and I have known her personally almost as long as I lived in Siloam. I guess we met around eight or nine years ago. Which in itself seems sort of crazy.

I had wondered what coming back to Siloam would feel like.  I thought maybe since I had been away everything would feel so different. But it was all so familiar. Yes, it was only a year we were away, but the odd part about it was it felt like maybe we only left for a day. All of our friend's babies now being toddlers was the biggest sign of a year away. Maybe a couple of new shops downtown and the new fountain at our old college campus. But everyone was still warm and friendly, every time we would go to get coffee we would bump into some we knew. I almost felt like a movie star or maybe that I was just in a movie. About a small little town were everyone literally knows your name. It was so comforting to know something so well for once, after a year in a big and unknown city.

To try and post a few pictures of our trip, and then wrap up a very busy four day wedding weekend into a couple of paragraphs is not something that I really want to do. Mostly because I am tired, and its late. But overall it was sort of perfect in its own little way. I felt almost on a high from seeing so many people I knew. Old friends and college roommates, old regulars from the coffee shop, and my mom and aunt were also there to help with the girls. I think as we drove away from that weekend I felt very loved. It was my birthday the day we drove eleven hours in the car. I wasn't too bummed though. I felt like all the hugs I had been given were still with me. Maybe that sounds cheesy. It was just nice to have real hugs with people I had known for such a long time. I kept telling multiple friends I just wanted to snuggle them. I think maybe because with all my newer friends in Austin we just aren't to that stage yet. You can't move somewhere and live there a year, and expect the friendships to be the same as people you have known for a decade.

Part of me wished I could be giving my girls this simple and quaint little town for their childhood. As we walked from the coffee shop downtown Friday morning, I told Blanche as she rode in the stroller with Rosa, "Blanche this is the walk you and mommy use to take every day. There are ducks down here in the creek that we use to feed and a park down the sidewalk." She doesn't really remember any of Siloam. Only the back bakery in the cafe. Where she told Andrew, "Daddy worked hard!"

It is easy to come back to a place on vacation and see all of the good memories. I like how Andrew always puts our time in Siloam. It was so good for a season. And that is really all of life. Just season after season. Slowly making up years. I came back to Texas surprisingly ancy to move. I keep telling Andrew Colorado sounds so nice. Maybe by going back to where we came from I saw the adventure we have had. I just love a good adventure. I love meeting new people and seeing what life is like in different parts of the country and world.

It was such a happy trip and time with friends and family. I had never thought we would be returning for a visit so soon. I also think that although the last month has been busy with moving, and family visiting and us traveling, that it has helped me come out of a bit of the depression I was in after having Rosemary. Sometimes I feel like this blog seems really self-centered. But thats sort of what a blog is for. A personal diary. That you know people are reading. I often go through my days just waiting for that moment when the kids are asleep and I have time to myself. And probably 9 out of 10 nights I end up just going to bed rather than sitting down to write. Often times when I do write I talk about my girls or whatever little thing I might be going through. But I sit down to write mostly just to hear myself think. After cleaning messes all day and hearing babies cry, it can be difficult to remember what my own voice sounds like. But that is never to say I am not so thankful for my girls and my job as their mother. I often will have highs and lows. Maybe depressive episodes. Many times at night I lay awake thinking of all the sadness there is in the world. I pray for the hurting people, I sometimes become afraid of how fragile we all really are. But my heart always falls to the left of me, where Rosemary is snuggled beside me, and then Andrew, and then Blanche. They are my whole world, and I realize that love is what makes all the little things not matter so much.

I have trouble after busy days clearing my mind to sit down and write. I struggle between being a documentarian and not wanting to feel like its a book report. Thats why you may never actually know what my blog post is about by reading the title. Or even the first paragraph. I am sure I have failed on proper and organized writing skills.

All this to say... I know I am love in Arkansas. There are so many people there that love my whole family. They love me. It feels good to be loved. The world can be so painful and I know love is the only thing that saves us. It was happy to feel loved and leave Arkansas knowing we can always return.

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