Thursday, July 30, 2015

My Little Pregnant Brain

Sometimes I am about to post a picture on Instagram and I find myself writing a huge caption. Then I think to myself that maybe I just need to write a blog post. My mind is calmed so much by making sense of things through writing. A verbal processor that will write when no one else is around. I think the main reason I stay on social media is my love for stories and writing stories. I am drawn more to the pictures on Instagram and the people who will write little tidbits of their life. Sometimes I am scrolling through Facebook and my mind feels numb. The opposite of connected through story.

This weekend, I will officially be in my last eight weeks of pregnancy until the due date. It's starting to happen. The organic orange juice we bought this week goes bad ten days before my due date. It's almost August, and then when people say how much longer I can say, "next month." I know all of the sudden it will be here. I am getting to the stage that I remember with Rosemary, but it feels even more extreme this time. I feel completely exhausted sometimes, almost sick in the morning... and then all of the sudden... BAM I clean the whole house. I am going to say this is nesting. I haven't set up a crib or really anything (we have a lot of "baby" things around from Rosemary, well the things we actually need). But what have I done? Well today I wiped the dust bunnies away from where the bookshelves meet the floor. And vacuumed the whole house and watered the garden. I feel almost insane. One moment I feel like crying because I literally wonder how I will make it eight more weeks. The temperature is reaching a hundred every day. My "project get outside" is more like "project go to the pool and have all the babies hang all over you." It's getting a bit tough. I start to panic in thinking if we just stay home all day I won't actually be able to sit down anyways... and I will try and clean and pick up and the girls will just make huge messes.

But what I am finding, and it seems to be pretty common, is that some days are just better than others. I am not always doing a whole bunch of things right or wrong to have a certain outcome. I know my girls are just one and three. They have good and bad days too. I also know my attitude and response can be really important. This morning I felt really swollen in my hands and arms, I felt weak but was also in a bit of an emotional panic similar to what I wrote above. Andrew is working tonight, and I knew I needed to get the girls out to the library to return a few things. I felt completely overwhelmed at how tired I was. I imagined Rosemary pulling every book off the shelf in five minutes. I was short with Blanche while we got ready and when she refused to get her hair brush I told her I was going alone and they could stay home with their dad. I went and started the car and she cried. Then I came back in and told her to come on. Andrew was brushing her hair, and he also hasn't felt well. Then Blanche cried that she wanted him to come too. I really wanted him to come too. You know,  just to hold Rosemary the whole time so I didn't have to. He was worried about starting lunch... all of this after a morning of us rotating naps because of being up so much with Rosemary who has been teething all of July.

We all ended up in the van. Blanche kept asking if it was a good day. I tried not to cry. I was just tired of being tired. Tired of never knowing how I will feel or survive each day.  (Which the reality seems to be largely based on how well my children sleep the night before and how rested I truly am). We happened to be at the library just in time for a great story time. We had never been to the library closest to our house. The lady who did story time was very animated with songs and felt boards. The story time was even geared toward ages eighteen months to three years. Both girls got puppy dog stamps. Everyone left feeling a bit better. Sometimes it's strange what just leaving our own house and seeing other humans can do to us. Maybe we broke out of our own little Nycum bubble and it helped to smile at a librarian.

Some days are just better than others. Sometimes I am super hormonal. Because I am super pregnant. And I need to know that it's okay. I said in the van earlier (the more dramatic and grumpy pre-library drive) that I guess I would just wean Rosemary. I said it out of exhaustion. I know deep down though that her night waking has very little to do with nursing. She will sleep nine pm to six am one night and then cry every hour the next. She's in pain and I can see her little teeth cutting through. Sitting in that story time today I almost cried as she held my hand with her little one. I know weaning would be okay. But I also know we both love the bond we have right now. She is just a year and half. I nursed Blanche a year longer. I know after the new baby I will have to take tandem nursing a day at a time, but it's okay to take things one day at a time now too. Andrew has been helping so much with Rosemary. He walks her in the night and puts her to bed when he isn't working. We are going to survive. Life is tiring and crazy but it isn't bad.

The first few pictures above are ones that Andrew took one morning while I slept a little longer. They love their little backyard. The girls have also taken a new love to car washing. They actually do surprisingly well for only being one and three. They will working and wash for a good twenty to thirty minutes.

I have really been trying to work on thankfulness in my daily life. And I'm not sure what it is I need to be doing now in this last stretch of pregnancy. I am thankful, but sometimes being so hormonal and tired can make my mind feel almost desperate. It's as if my pregnant brain takes in all my surroundings and elements of what must happen to care for two children in one day... and then does a evaluation of my energy level... and then it just doesn't line up. It does not compute. My little pregnant brain says, "Nope. You are way too tired to do even half of this. This isn't going to work." But thankfully my little pregnant brain is often wrong. I'm not stupid when I am pregnant. But being really tired can make a person not think as clearly as needed. Studies have shown pregnancy hormones literally do cloud the brain, making it hard to think critically and clearly. So for now, just one day at a time. I need to give myself permission to just focus on today. To not worry about how the week or month will look, but just get through today.

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