Saturday, August 15, 2015

Happy Happy

Yesterday Andrew and I celebrated five years of marriage. That morning we said cheers and tapped our big mason jars together that were filled with smoothie. I was standing in maternity shorts and a nursing bra, my big pregnant belly sticking out. Andrew was about to head to work, the girls were running around, I was trying to prepare myself for another mid-shift of his. Meaning he leaves for work about ten or eleven and comes back right at bedtime. There are pros and cons to every shift he works, like I love being able to sleep in a bit and have him home for bedtime. But it also means I do most of the daily work and the day with him feels rushed. But that one little moment, where we were both standing in the kitchen while the mid morning light shinned through... later that day it kept coming back to me. So much of our life looks like that right now. My big round belly sticking out, my emotions all over the place, Andrew working hard to keep us all together and happy. And the girls running in circles around us, while we stand next to each other drinking vegan protein smoothies and knowing it can't be this crazy forever.

On nights like tonight, when I was sitting at the dinner table and felt like my children were literally wild animals... I thought about some of my friends that don't have kids. At first I was jealous of their freedom and energy that they probably don't even know they have. But as I sat there achey from this third almost full term pregnancy and my other two children wouldn't even let me think without being interrupted, I was so glad I am doing this now. I'm not even thirty. I turned twenty-nine just a couple of weeks ago. So I tell myself that those friends I am jealous of are going to be so old and so tired by the time they get to this. And maybe it's a bit snotty and not even true. But I like to tell myself I am doing this right. That maybe I can just laugh at how old my friends will be once they get to having their third child, rather than sit and cry and ask to be rescued from my own life.

Andrew has been amazing at helping me get through this last little stretch. On his days off he has spent a lot of quality time with the girls. Blanche literally calls him "Good King" and she told me yesterday that she calls him the Good King because he is a good daddy. I text Andrew the conversation and told him that I am too pregnant to hear these kind of things. He has done everything from building forts to reading books and sitting in their tiny pink baby pool with them. I am confident in his ability to care for the girls, which puts me at such ease to have this newborn and spend quality time with him those first several days.

The pictures above start with Andrew wearing both girls. He often wears Rosemary when she needs to go down, and I'm too worn out to do so. Lately, Blanche keeps asking to be worn. Which at first was funny to me because although she was worn in the ergo as a baby, she hasn't be worn in a long time. Since about two she has always preferred to run as a wild woman over being contained in a carrier. But maybe she senses the change coming soon. Maybe she is just jealous of Rosemary. But it means a lot to me that Andrew would even attempt to walk around the house for awhile with both of them strapped to him. And for the record, Blanche is only pretending to be asleep.

The next several pictures are from my birthday. The girls really made it special. Blanche was so excited that it was my birthday. I helped her hang scarves and silks around the table, and she and Andrew picked flowers from our yard. My good friend Jaclyn came over with her two little girls. Andrew cooked veggie tacos, and Blanche was ready to entertain. She had on her Easter dress and decorated the living room with toys. I felt very loved that day.

The rest of the pictures are from Andrew's days off and us helping the girls find things to do when its a hundred degrees outside. I've always had a hard time as a mother when the weather keeps us inside. The noise is louder and the messes seem greater. I love my children, but being inside multiple days in row are hard. I have pregnancy brain, pregnancy aches, and my hands are swollen as soon as I wake up each day. A hundred and two degrees does nothing to help. Six weeks though. That's about what I have left. So much of it is a mental game I play with myself. I just have to keep telling myself that I can do it. It is as much emotional for me at the end as physical. I feel tired and lonely and weak. I want to have energy and be social and feel strong. But it is a season and before I know it, it will be fall.

All of these paragraphs feel like rambling to me. I wanted to sit down and write something better. But maybe my mind is a bit gone. Its enough to keep documenting. To take pictures of those changing faces and write out what is happening. Blanche is growing up into a four year old. She sings parts from the original Annie. The last couple of days she's been singing, "Oh you're never fully dressed without a ... " and then interrupting herself and pretending to be Ms. Hannigan says, "Do I hear... happiness?" Rosemary is saying new words every day. She can even have little conversations using words like, "Yep. No. K." The girls fight like cats and dogs but then Blanche will share her last gummy bear without being asked after Rosemary inhaled the ones she was given. (Don't judge I've been popping a few gummy bears to make it through the days... we have a big glass jar on top of the fridge) Life is good. Life is nuts. The girls are exhausting but make life exciting. Rosemary has started saying, "Happy happy" when she is happy. And it's at the cutest times. Like after bath when she is getting ready for bed or when we she is going outside to eat a popsicle and swim. We will survive these last few weeks. Maybe they'll watch too many shows but I am giving them a brother. I think that's a pretty good gift.

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