Monday, September 21, 2015
Foster's Birth Story Part 2
Foster is three weeks old today. He's asleep on my lap on top of the boppy pillow just like Rosemary use to do not that long ago when I would write. I have wanted to write out the rest of this birth story for awhile now, before it gets too far behind me. But of course, life with a newborn has made my brain foggy and there is laundry piled high and I hardly feel justified to write anything.
But, tonight is the end of Andrew's first six days in a row back to work. I'm tired of all the kid time. So many little people all over me all day long. I was laying in bed nursing and cuddling Foster tonight while the girls were wildly tossing and turning instead of trying to sleep in their own bed beside ours. They both napped today, but were awake by three, so I figured our normal routine wouldn't be too rough. But it's becoming a bit of a fight tonight. And Andrew was already laying there. So I excused myself to go hold Foster here at the computer instead of in the dark listening to little voices. Except our house is so small I can still hear every word alongside my typing. Rosemary has been saying "awww" like "aww come on" about anything she isn't happy about. She got that from Blanche. I've already heard a few cries for mom and a few awws.
Sometimes it feels overwhelming to feel so needed by so many. Of course I love them and do like being needed. My hospital experience still feels almost unreal in someways because it was a completely different life for a week. Before having Foster, I had only left Blanche for two nights in a row when Rosemary was born, an occasional night with Gigi, and had never left Rosemary at all. Well, the first night I was admitted in the hospital I had to leave them. But they fell asleep with Andrew on the drive home. My hospital stay was seven nights where I wasn't there. Going from bedrest to the hospital was another step removed from their lives a bit. Which I know on these occasions learning a bit of independence is good. But what wasn't fun about the hospital is I didn't know how long it would take or how long I would have to stay. It all felt so much longer because each day I was trying to guess whether or not we would go home.
I'm trying to sit here and write my birth story. But for some reason it just isn't flowing out quite like I would like. Maybe it is that tired and foggy brain. Maybe there are just so many things to process that I am having trouble putting things down into words. That is not to say that my labor with Foster was really intense or crazy. Actually it was probably the easiest labor yet. I say that because I just felt so bad going into it, that I really didn't want to work for it. Maybe thats why I am having a hard time writing it down. I have always thought a home birth or natural birth at a birthing center would be great. But maybe this time I just realized that I have had issues every time. And that natural or home birth wasn't going to happen for me. I think in my mind I debate myself. I read natural labor books and stories of midwives. I know the "snowball" effect of the hospital. I know c section rates are too high. But I guess in the end I trust the hospital. I trust the doctors. Especially with pre eclampsia and high blood pressure issues. I will be fine one minute and then the next appointment things are no longer fine. And every time I have had to trust the doctors to help me stay safe. So this time after being on bedrest and not feeling well, and knowing my body... (my blood pressure only rises while in pain and under stress) I chose to say yes to being induced at 36 weeks, to having petocin, to having an epidural... and it actually all went great. My epidural actually kept my blood pressure low. I was able to relax and rest until it was time to deliver. I had a great doctor who knew what she was doing. I was told to keep using the bathroom, eat breakfast, stay calm and wait for my body to really become in active labor before being given an epidural. I had a great experience being helped by an awesome medical team. I pushed Foster out during one single contraction and didn't have a tear. He was put on my stomach immediately, they did delayed cord clamping, and he was given to me to nurse within the first twenty minutes of life.
So this time maybe I don't really have a long and heroic tale of how I birthed my child. But I did it. I made it through my bedrest and feeling awful and had my baby. Any woman who has a child, no matter how she has that child is strong. And stronger for going through it.
I'm glad my labor went so well. Because immediately after I had to be given a magnesium treatment, use a bedside commode (you know get out of bed and use the potty right beside the bed... while my nurse came in and out) and then had time being wheeled back and forth from the NICU. My time at the hospital was filled with highs and lows. Like any postpartum woman. Andrew and I had our share of good times. We spent a lot of time watching the food network and HGTV. We discovered we loved the show "Fixer Upper" that had a cute married couple and four kids on a cute little country home. I debated moving to Waco just so JoAnna could find me an old farm house and make it adorable. Andrew would do food runs and found an awesome boba tea place. We laughed a lot when Andrew would "drive" my wheelchair to the NICU. I'm sure it was lack of sleep, but it always felt like he was running when he pushed me. My hair would blow in the wind. I had an almost hysterical meltdown in front of a doctor because I was told all day by a nurse that I was being discharged... and then once my girls were at home waiting for me and it was 7pm I was told I had to stay because my blood pressure wasn't good enough. My emotions were all over the place. I was use to my kids being with me for twelve hours straight a day. And then both girls were gone and my new baby was over in the NICU. I was stuck eating, laying in bed and watching tv. Which does sound awesome now... but at the time not so much.
Thinking back to all of the moments and all my emotions I am just glad it's over. I am so happy Foster is here and we are all together at home. In the hospital I wished so badly for just a day of my old life back. Where I was mama and the girls played. Now I have that back but with a newborn and I am probably not as thankful as I should be. Life is just hard when you are tired. Like I posted the other day on instagram from Amy Poehler, "Sleep helps you win at life." Lack of sleep can make things hard. Its easy to wish away the beginning days and want a bit of normalcy. Or you know, lunch without nursing through the entire thing. But, I have a really sweet baby on my lap. So tiny and three weeks old. And one little girl who is fast asleep according to her daddy and another little girl who is still waiting for me to come back to bed...