Saturday, April 23, 2011
Becoming a Mother
Last night I woke up about 4 am and the line from the movie Juno was the first thing I thought.
"I have heartburn radiating in my kneecaps"
I'm not kidding. I have had my share of heartburn. And this, by far was the worse. I felt like while I was sleeping someone had opened my mouth, poured a little cleaner in, then shut my mouth. "There you go... let that sit there for a few hours," says the Heartburn Angel of Death. I guess it was just the cereal and cheese I had eaten before bed, but it honestly felt like the same thing. So, after trying to take tums, eat a few saltines, and then throwing it all up...I was back in bed. 14 Weeks pregnant. Sitting up trying to sleep like big bird. And I told Andrew,
"You know, this baby better be very cute."
We both laughed, and I told him that I wasn't mad at the baby. But I did say that breast feeding at 4 am did sound like more fun than throwing up. There's something about pregnancy or motherhood that makes it all worth it to me. If I even had to do the last trimester all over again, throwing up and just eating kid cereal for almost 3 months, I would. There is something about the power and awe of knowing God is growing this precious little life inside of me, that I could never be mad or want to stop. Its a weird feeling because I feel like such a different person, but at times its still hard to believe a baby is actually in there.
Andrew and I waited through the first trimester to make our pregnancy public to more than close friends and family. There were a lot of questions up in the air, and we knew we needed to make a few decisions before announcing our plans. The baby wasn't an accident or surprise, although its always sort of shocking when you find out your pregnant. We had both felt the Lord really speaking to us in the first few months of marriage that He really had children as a blessing for us. Since middle school I have always wanted a big family, full of my own children and adopted ones. And last time I checked, that's not the dream of too many 8th graders. So, I knew deep down that this is the plan the Lord has for us. And the beautiful thing is, God had spoken this to Andrew's heart too.
Andrew and I are not extremely successful people. We will probably never have a lot of money. Andrew and I work at a coffee shop, and career wise, that's as far as we know. Sometimes Andrew can say one little thing, and I know that is the reason I married him. The other day while we were brushing our teeth before bed and discussing our future plans, I was telling him that even though things are scary I know that this is God's plan. And then he said,
"You know Jeran, like I've said before, I don't really know what I want to do in life, but the one thing I know I want to do more than anything is be a father. And I get to do that."
Melts your heart. It really does. And so, for now things are crazy while we pack up are little (but some how filled with crap) apartment to move across town. Across from the park and the library. Andrew will work at the coffee shop/ cafe this next year while he looks for jobs. And starting in the fall, I'll be a stay at home mom. Money and success is not what makes people good parents. It's having the dreams of loving something more than yourself. My future for now is not traveling the world or buying a new home. My future is full of dreams of tummy time and breast feeding and taking a walk with the stroller to go visit daddy at work. And while your dreams never seem to be quite your reality... the memories and love I have from my own childhood are not when we moved in to our new house, or when we went on vacation. I remember the most fondly spending so much time with my mommy and going to visit daddy at work. I was proud of my parents. For so much of my childhood I never noticed money. And even though children grow up to be disapproving teenagers, they eventually become adults that begin to remember how truly lucky they are to have parents that love them.
(Baby Nycum at about 12 weeks. I told Andrew from the looks of it, it seems we have a laid back baby that takes after his or her daddy.)