I have had mixed emotions lately. Mostly normal pregnant woman emotions. I feel tired and huge and ready for this little baby to be here. I lay in bed at night and can hardly believe it is almost time. There is a sense of such a great relief coming to my body, but also a fear that the exhaustion of a newborn will not be much better. I worry about cleaning the apartment even though I know the baby will be in my arms at first and will not care about clutter. When I have down time I think through a to do list that that isn't much of "to dos" but more of milestones, "wrap Blanche's presents, celebrate Christmas, pack the diaper bag, wait for baby."
And then out of nowhere like a great surprise I remember I am going to be in love with this baby. If I can remain in love with a toddler that runs away from me at almost full term, that continues to pull the toilet paper off the roll, a toddler that dumps all the chalk out every single time and my back hurts just watching her… surely I can be in love with a new little baby. Even if it does feel new and scary. Even if that baby cries a lot in the night. I know there is bliss coming. New little baby bliss.
The closer I get to my due date the more I am seeing myself go into survival mode. I have my bursts of energy, when I brave the outside world with Blanche alone. But I am thankful for cold fronts. For an excuse to stay inside. The warmer days are keeping me strong. Today I opted for the library over the pond so there would be less walking and chasing. I walked down the stairs to the van with Blanche. She ran away while my hands were full and walked all the way back to the top of the stairs. I walked back up the stairs. I walked back down. I carried her half way to the car. I started to feel a little defeated.
There are moments when I think that this pregnancy has really been pretty easy. And then there are other moments when I know easy is not the word. Overall this baby and pregnancy has went smoothly. I am so much stronger this time. I know the daily struggle of getting out of bed to care for Blanche, and the seemingly endless tasks of the day are what keep me strong.
I am not as scared this time. Maybe with Blanche I wasn't scared but then after having her I was. All I knew with Blanche was that I wanted to nurse her. I wanted a home birth and to do things naturally but what I loved from my own mother's stories of motherhood was how she described nursing her babies. Everything else was more of a shock with Blanche. At least this time I know how I like to do things. I also know some of how I like to do things is because its what Blanche likes, meaning I may have to learn new tricks.
I am currently in the weird space between where it feels like it could be forever before I meet this baby, and in the same instant it feels so soon. Almost too soon. But I know eventually the walking becomes waddling which then becomes pushing because a baby just can't stay in forever.