Thursday, October 27, 2016


This past week I have been thinking a lot about loneliness. I was wondering one day if I was depressed and that was making me feel lonely, or was I just lonely and that made me sad? It's hard to write about feelings and sadness and topics of loneliness without feeling a bit too emotional or vulnerable. But then tonight as I thought about writing and how it would make me feel better, even if I did decide to publish my post and people thought I was weird, I sort of thought, "who the fuck cares." Now, for me I actually think the f word in my head way more than I should, but being raised in a Christian home I hardly ever say it. But maybe I should work on not saying it in my head. Its funny, even those little things... like being told a word is bad your entire life and even as an adult you can't think it without just a bit of guilt.

Anyways, I think I am getting to the point of not caring what people think so much anymore. Because if I am lonely then that means I feel pretty alone already. So, if I loose a few friends who aren't actually friends anyways... than thats my gain right? I guess this all is stemming from having a friend that was a good friend here in Austin, when I was in the middle of my postpartum depression who just basically stopped being my friend. That made me nervous. I have always taken pride in my ability to be open and honest. And then in a scary time I was open and honest to a person I thought was a good friend and she turned out not to be. Or too busy to be. It made me feel like maybe I was a little crazy.

But anyways, back to this topic of loneliness. I often wonder if I have always been lonely and always will be. Now, this isn't talking about Andrew. Andrew is my greatest companion. But he does go to work each day. And then creeps in that feeling. Sometimes the feeling happens when I am with him or other people. But mostly, I am home or with my small children a lot. And thats when I feel the most lonely. Maybe I'm not crazy but actually just miss adults. But then here is the problem, what does a person like me, a stay at home mom with young children, do? Do I schedule playdates every single day? Because we all know that is no fun for anyone. I think what I really want is community. I don't know if I miss a small town life that I was so use to, even though I didn't like it... or if I'm just wanting more people popping in and out of my days. None of my side of the family lives in Texas. And in a city like Austin, most of the time, you have to be intentional to get together or "bump into" people.

So, maybe it is all those things.

I know I am in danger of labeling myself or becoming super cliche to use a Sylvia Plath quote in a post about loneliness. I know it even bothers people (like my Aunts) that I even like a poet who committed suicide. But, for the record what draws me to her again and again isn't her tragic ending. But all the confusion in the middle. She was so brilliant and creative. And so lost in her own mind sometimes. Which is how I often feel. Her quote above is 100% my relationship with all people. Someone is either my savior or not. It sounds so dramatic to write it out. But its true. I put too much hope in people and then they always let me down. Because, they are human. 

Maybe I am just writing all of this because I want to know I am not alone in being human. Or maybe I will let someone else know. Why are relationships and making friends so hard? Why do you have to be in a "getting to know" someone phase for over a year? Can't we all just dive in?? Say we are lonely and broken and we want to love each other. I wish. Because then I don't think I would be so lonely. 

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Finding a Ladybug

Last week a friend was over and she was reminiscing a bit about when her kids were the age of mine. The little years before school and extra curricular activities. My simple little life felt probably a little romantic to her. She said, "I know everyone says you will miss it, but the good really does stick with you." I thought quickly about what she was saying and knew it was true. Even now, just a few short years (even months!) from those new baby days and I think simple things like "we just did our best."

My friend's words did get me thinking though. This is our last year before "school." I know I have felt a lot of pressure about what my decision will be for Blanche's first year. Whether to keep doing what we are doing and add a bit more study, or to send her to public school and start a whole new chapter of life. Either way, Thursday morning as we walked on the trails at the Wild Flower Center I just felt a peace. To stop and truly enjoy my children and the stage of life we are all in... Being the main subject of this blog (the artist with occasional meltdowns) I of course had that peace for the morning and then that afternoon tried to envision my whole future on whether we would buy a house, adopt a baby, and/or homeschool. You know. Peace of mind.  But after melting down a bit, rambling to Andrew and then watching Netflix, I feel a bit better. I think sometimes (okay a lot) I am not getting enough sleep and my overthinking starts to kick in full force. But the last couple of days have been just the reminders I have needed in life. We have played at the park with friends and had sometime as a family with Andrew. It really does take so very little to make my kids excited. Today Blanche found a ladybug outside. It really reminded me of the time we found a worm. There is such great excitement in kids with the smallest parts of nature. Its refreshes me. Somehow Rosemary found this little ladybug in the huge pile of wood chips that is our yard. And then not only that, but Blanche played with it, and then left it in the garden and came back four hours later to find it. Tonight all three kids were outside and playing with the lady bug. "Enjoy them where they are" is what I thought. And then I remembered how one of the things I've wanted to start doing for homeschool is a nature journal. I brought out two pieces of paper and the crayons and asked the girls if they wanted to draw the lady bug. "Yeah!" Blanche exclaimed.

The girls took turns holding it, drawing about it, trying to protect it, and so on. I feel like these moments when they are outside and working together their play becomes so rich. They share better and act so kind at times. Then Blanche got the playsilks to throw above the air conditioner fan outside. Another favorite game. So simple.

I am pretty sure we will homeschool. My brother asked me the other day about it and I said I was about 70% with homeschooling and 30% with public. He said I could just send her on the days I didn't feel like homeschooling (actually if anyone knows of part time in Austin... let me know!) haha. But I think the key for me is to not think too far ahead. A year ago if someone would have told me I was helping Blanche with basic sight words and checking out level one reading books from the library I would have thought "Oh wow, I must have gotten my act together." But in reality, it has all come from Blanche and her interest and love of learning. We are slowly figuring it out together. And thats really what I want anyways. I want learning to not be just about the subjects but home life and in nature as well. As soon as I can be fully confident, I will be fully ready. Sure, three kids ages 1,2, and 4 is a bit nuts. But there are great moments every day. My mind just has to slow down enough to live in the present, to be present, and to be there for my kids. One worm or ladybug at a time.