I don't know how soon is too soon to write about something. I told myself I would process things more before writing anything. Especially since my blog is public and all. But I have found that there is something freeing about writing things and letting people read them. I guess thats why I blog. I mean, I can browse the internet and find so many more blogs that are "better" than mine. Moms that are probably more trendy and have someone personally design their adorable blog. But I guess I'm realizing that what is important to me is the photos I take and the words that I write. I guess I'm just practicing. I don't really know for what, but I am. I have had the goal/dream of writing my own story or memoir since I was in high school. So I guess this blog has been a step to improving my writing and learning what it means to write and have people read it.
There's no easy or smooth transition to tell anyone that you miscarried. But that's what happened. I feel a lot of different things. First, I feel so weird that it happened to me. That the word is now in my medical history. I also feel lucky, I know that my experience was so much easier than many women. I also feel sad. There was life inside of me that didn't make it. Blanche had a brother or sister on the way. And now, she doesn't.
I found out that I was pregnant three weeks ago tomorrow. I miscarried all last week after having a horrible stomach bug. I don't know if the two were related or not. I started bleeding last Sunday morning. My hips and back really hurt, and something didn't seem right. I was suppose to have my eight week appointment that next day, but after being so sick and clearly dehydrated, Andrew and I went to the ER. They did blood work and a vaginal sonogram. We had to wait almost an hour for the results. I hated waiting. We kept trying to watch the Cosby show on the hospital tv but every time it was about to get funny or our favorite part was on (we use to watch a lot of the Cosby show) someone would come in and we would have to turn it off.
After we had been there for about three hours, they had the results. They told us we were only 5 weeks, and they saw a gestational sack. None of dates matched up because I was suppose to have been almost nine weeks. And from the point of when I had taken the test, it would have meant that I found out I was pregnant only a few days after conception. But we didn't know what was happening. They said it was too early for a heartbeat, but to go home and rest, and follow up at my dr. appointment.
That night I was cramping a lot and I felt like my body was telling me that the baby was not going to make it. Its weird how sometimes you can be so in tune with your body. When I had the stomach bug there were a couple of points when I wondered if everything was okay with the baby. There were a couple of moments that I thought maybe this baby wouldn't make it.
My appointment was beyond frustrating. From my point of few, I was going to see the doctor and my records from the ER were suppose to be faxed over. But when I got there no one knew anything, and they started it just like the regular 8 week appointment. It sucked. They talked about a sibling for Blanche. I just wanted it to all be over. I guess I felt like the whole appointment went from "You're having a baby!" to "oh? your not? lets take your blood and we will call you tomorrow." Literally. To make a really long story short they lost my blood somehow or something, and I didn't know anything until Thursday. I miscarried for almost a week before they could "confirm it."
I'm so glad that my body took care of everything on its own. The blood tests showed my hormone numbers were dropping rapidly and had already went from 350 in the ER to 50 on Thursday. The baby was still very small, and I think that made it easier as well. Its a weird feeling though. I think most women start planning as soon as they see the positive test. And even though I only knew for two weeks, I had already trained my mind for a baby coming in July. And then this huge thing happens and then suddenly nothing is happening. And its sad. There is something inside of you that can feel the loss of life and it's very emptying. Blanche has been the greatest joy there can be this week. She has helped me so much. There was one morning this week where she literally woke me up giving me kisses and say "hi, hi, hi" over and over again.
Its sad to see Andrew sad. I can see the loss in his face when he talks about it. But the thing that has given me hope is that I already feel this has made our family stronger and closer. And I hope that I'll get to meet that baby one day. Even if he or she was only the size of a little blueberry. I feel so much more compassion for the many women who have lost a baby during pregnancy, and I cannot begin to fathom someone who has lost a child. This world is so broken and at times its hard to understand even the small things like,"Why did I even have to find out I was pregnant? Only to loose the baby two weeks later?" But what I know to be true is that love is the thing that keeps me going. The love I have experienced from my family and friends is what heals and helps you keep moving forward.
I am sad for this loss, because I know that whatever baby was made, there will never be another one like it. I'll never see that baby here. But I now have come to appreciate my blessings so much more. And the fact that I've had sweet Blanche and what a joy she is to me every day.