Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Christmas Lights and Zoo Animals

I had these photos picked and uploaded the day after we were back from our trip. I truly love some of these photographs. At times it seems to hit me again that the more I take photos the more I like them. I start to be aware of beautiful lighting and moments. It is nice to have my phone available since I am pregnant with a toddler and can be limited on how much time I can spend taking a quality picture. I am pretty happy with shots I get on my phone at times, but there is nothing like the focus and look of a real camera. Well, at least with my version of the iPhone. Maybe I will be proved wrong one day.

I know though that just as I am a perfectionist with my photographs, I can be with what I write as well. I know my photographs and writing are not the best out there, but I am particular about what I publish as mine. For the last several days I haven't written anything with these pictures. I just didn't have the energy to write. And I didn't want to write fluff to go along with pictures I loved so much.

I am sure it probably annoys some people that you never know what my posts will be about. I can have pictures of one thing and write about something completely different. But I sort of love it. Because that is what my little blog is suppose to be. Little breaths of my life. Pictures of what it looks like to be me, and the words that describe what it is exactly that is going on inside of my head. I don't know if everyone else is like me, but most of the time there are two worlds. The world that I am walking through and the one that I am thinking through. I like to talk and make conversation, but that seems like the forced part of life to me. Without trying I am naturally people watching and seeing beautiful moments. I am thinking about life and wondering if other people feel the same. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it isn't. I know Andrew can probably see the connection of these two worlds better than anyone else.

Today we were riding in the car back from the grocery store. Lately Andrew and I have just been tired. The real world is hitting us hard in some ways. I think for me its mostly physically. I am just tired. I am ready to have this baby. I hate bending down to pick things up all day, but I have to. If I don't, I find corners that Blanche has hid in that has baby doll clothes, chalk, and half of a granola bar. Andrew on the other hand, I know he is weighed down with just how much it takes to truly provide for a family. I wish I could do more. But I know what we can do for each other is to be there for one another. Not to solve all of life's problems, but to remind each other that we will make it through. As we rode and Andrew talked about the heavy topics of health insurance and the budget. I replied, "I just wish there was a place we could go where there was plenty of wild game for you to hunt and trap. You could sell the furs for sugar and other things when needed and go into town just every few months."Andrew laughed a little taken off guard. I knew he knew I was dreaming about my little house on the prairie books.

"I mean, life was just so simple back then. It was very hard, but they didn't have so many bills. No internet or car insurance. Pa could just farm and hunt anywhere. Thats how they could pick up all they owned in the covered wagon and leave if they needed to."

These are the moments when my two worlds collide. I think I only let those closest to me see the crazy side of myself. I really am the artist sitting and wearing my big vintage flannel shirt proclaiming, "I just have all these ideas in my head."

And I do.

I think I like taking pictures because so much of the time I can stand back or get left behind. And then I can capture what it is I am thinking. Or seeing or feeling. And then I don't have to try and explain so hard how I felt. Like in the first picture, how relaxing and beautiful it was to be in the hotel room that first day with Blanche and Andrew. Blanche was asleep on the hotel bed and Andrew and I just talked. There weren't dishes to be done or laundry going in the background. He made me cheap hotel coffee and talked about philosophy and religion. I reclined with my pregnant belly and remembered why I loved him so much. And then after my warm shower Blanche woke up and was so happy to be in a new place. She looked out the window with her daddy down at the river below. And the light poured in so beautifully I had to take a picture.

I love watching Gigi and Showpa love on Blanche. They love her so much and it means so much to me. They love to watch her face light up just as much as I do. I think that was the purpose of the trip. To watch Blanche's face light up. Whether it was from a boat ride or Christmas lights or zoo animals. And it did.

I told Andrew's mom after we got back that our trip had been on the calendar for awhile and that now I was kind of sad it was over. Andrew always tells me I love the anticipation of things. Maybe sometimes as much as the actual event. Because before something actually happens you have all of the dreams and magic. And the dreams are minus the hard moments. The ones where Blanche has to sit in her stroller or sit down at the restaurant and doesn't want to. Or the moments when I have to constantly go to the bathroom and I waddling more than walking at times. Andrew's mom said she has the memories. And its true. Because in our memories we don't remember the hard moments as clearly when the overall trip was happy. Even less than a week later I can hardly recall anything that wasn't happy about our short little trip to San Antonio.

1 comment:

  1. Jeran, I really love your pictures and writing! I'm glad you waited until you felt like writing before putting up the pictures. They go together beautifully.