Loneliness

This past week I have been thinking a lot about loneliness. I was wondering one day if I was depressed and that was making me feel lonely, or was I just lonely and that made me sad? It's hard to write about feelings and sadness and topics of loneliness without feeling a bit too emotional or vulnerable. But then tonight as I thought about writing and how it would make me feel better, even if I did decide to publish my post and people thought I was weird, I sort of thought, "who the fuck cares." Now, for me I actually think the f word in my head way more than I should, but being raised in a Christian home I hardly ever say it. But maybe I should work on not saying it in my head. Its funny, even those little things... like being told a word is bad your entire life and even as an adult you can't think it without just a bit of guilt.

Anyways, I think I am getting to the point of not caring what people think so much anymore. Because if I am lonely then that means I feel pretty alone already. So, if I loose a few friends who aren't actually friends anyways... than thats my gain right? I guess this all is stemming from having a friend that was a good friend here in Austin, when I was in the middle of my postpartum depression who just basically stopped being my friend. That made me nervous. I have always taken pride in my ability to be open and honest. And then in a scary time I was open and honest to a person I thought was a good friend and she turned out not to be. Or too busy to be. It made me feel like maybe I was a little crazy.

But anyways, back to this topic of loneliness. I often wonder if I have always been lonely and always will be. Now, this isn't talking about Andrew. Andrew is my greatest companion. But he does go to work each day. And then creeps in that feeling. Sometimes the feeling happens when I am with him or other people. But mostly, I am home or with my small children a lot. And thats when I feel the most lonely. Maybe I'm not crazy but actually just miss adults. But then here is the problem, what does a person like me, a stay at home mom with young children, do? Do I schedule playdates every single day? Because we all know that is no fun for anyone. I think what I really want is community. I don't know if I miss a small town life that I was so use to, even though I didn't like it... or if I'm just wanting more people popping in and out of my days. None of my side of the family lives in Texas. And in a city like Austin, most of the time, you have to be intentional to get together or "bump into" people.

So, maybe it is all those things.

I know I am in danger of labeling myself or becoming super cliche to use a Sylvia Plath quote in a post about loneliness. I know it even bothers people (like my Aunts) that I even like a poet who committed suicide. But, for the record what draws me to her again and again isn't her tragic ending. But all the confusion in the middle. She was so brilliant and creative. And so lost in her own mind sometimes. Which is how I often feel. Her quote above is 100% my relationship with all people. Someone is either my savior or not. It sounds so dramatic to write it out. But its true. I put too much hope in people and then they always let me down. Because, they are human. 

Maybe I am just writing all of this because I want to know I am not alone in being human. Or maybe I will let someone else know. Why are relationships and making friends so hard? Why do you have to be in a "getting to know" someone phase for over a year? Can't we all just dive in?? Say we are lonely and broken and we want to love each other. I wish. Because then I don't think I would be so lonely.