I had honestly forgotten about some of these pictures that were still on my camera. I remembered the first sweet picture with Sarah and Blanche though. During our last few weeks in Siloam Blanche and I sort of created a little morning routine to help pass the time while our house was half packed in boxes. We would walk to the cafe to see Andrew, and then go to the back and tell Miss Sarah hi. She would always give Blanche some baked good. Blanche started saying, "Sas sash." Blanche really takes to people who give her pastries. Sarah is one of those beautiful and kind people and Blanche knows it. For whatever reason, Sarah has been the only person Blanche has tried to "find" in Texas. Anytime we see a younger woman with dark brown hair, "Sas sash." She desperately wants to find Sarah. That may be the one thing that really makes me feel homesick.
I think sometimes Blanche just does or says things that so loudly exclaim how I might feel inside too. Like she is trying to find someone she knows other than Gigi and Showpa in this new big city. And sometimes she's really excited for a new place. Other times she cries, and sometimes she just falls asleep. I do these things too, hopefully in a little bit more of a grownup fashion. I think the thing that has surprised me the most about moving is that although I miss my friends and the special people that were in my life in Siloam, it hurts me more to hear Blanche talk about our friends and to see that she obviously misses them. The mother in me now aches for her to find little friends at the park. I am surprised by my worry more for her sake than my own. I guess that is what being a mother is all about. Caring for your children over yourself. I really recently had a friend ask me what she thought it meant to be a good mother, and as I write this I think so much of being a good mother is simply caring for your children's needs over your own. Not that a mother should ignore her needs, but sometimes what I think "I need" is to watch reruns of The Office and eat ice cream by myself at ten at night. And sometimes Blanche needs something at that time. (This may have happened last night). The good Ol' Christian American parent in me tells myself that its okay to force Blanche to stay in bed through tears because she needs to obey. But then my heart reminds myself that Blanche is still nursing, and that now that I am almost fifteen weeks pregnant and have hardly any milk left, maybe Blanche is having a hard time. And maybe, she isn't trying to be bad. Maybe she just needs more mama. More mama later than I'd like.
The thing stretching me the most so far in this move, (besides intense city driving…yes I've only driven once) is learning to continue to parent in a loving way while things are difficult. I know Blanche is trying to adjust to her new home, her new life, her new way of having to comfort herself to sleep more now that I'm pregnant and physically unable to give her what I use to. I have to be there to love her when I'm tired and worn out. Thank God I have an amazing husband who lets me sleep in and take naps. I also thank God that He has shown me what true love is. Because without Him I would have no idea how to parent. I mean, I'm sure I'm still not doing it right at times. Like some mornings, I literally push Blanche away when she wants to nurse (I read this is normal… so I don't feel too guilty).
There is so much floating around inside my head. The last two and half weeks here have felt more like two and half months. Siloam seems so far away. I wanted to post these pictures because they were the last two days in Siloam. We were able to see my dad and step mom, and Blanche was able to see her cousins. I loved the look on Rosa and Blanche's face in the last picture. When we first were at Joy's house she had done the same thing to Blanche, squirting her with a little water toy. The first time Blanche looked at her kind of weird, and Rosa wondered why her mommy was playing with another baby. By the end of the week, we all knew each other. We were almost family. I so appreciate and love that my last week in Siloam was such a good one. It obviously makes leaving Joy and my other friends even harder. I have felt a little unconnected from my friends and family the last couple of weeks. My phone continually drops calls in this apartment. Plus we didn't have internet so I had little ways to connect. Its almost felt like a weird vacation where you bring every physical possession with you.
I know things will start to fall into place. I already love that there's a Seven Eleven down the road with six flavors of slurpees. I know you are thinking, "you move to Austin and THATS what you are excited about? A gas station?" But hey, I'm pregnant. And its the small things.
But really its the small things and a million other things. I know I will grow to know and love the area. I love being close to Andrew's parents and the relationship not only Andrew and I will have with them but for Blanche as well. You all know Blanche, she has yet to let Gigi hold her. She did however cry when Gigi left the car today.
We also tried out a church that literally felt like I could breathe again in a church. I think its going to be good.
Thats all I have for now. I should probably change this blog name to "Nap time Ramblings" but I'm sure that blog already exists.
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