Saturday, June 27, 2015

Thinking About Blanche

Sometimes late at night I think about Blanche. Always after she has fallen asleep and looks so peaceful sleeping snuggled up to her stuffed fox. My thoughts are fairly normal processing the day type of thoughts. For some reason though the tough moments fade a bit and other moments stand out more clearly. Moments where she asks me to play blocks first thing before eight am. I hadn't coffee, and I really didn't feel well. I told her maybe in a bit. I never played blocks. Not that this makes me a bad mother, because I did interact with her. But sometimes I wish I could just have a better and clearer perspective in the moment. Late at night I think about how she is only three. And that's her way to connect with me. To play. Even though I don't want to.

Being pregnant is really hard for me. I am just realizing that it is actually harder for me than I let myself believe. I am a sensitive and emotional person. And pain and discomfort just gets to me. I am proud at the amount of perseverance I have obtained over the last four years. I have come a huge way. It is just the fact that if I don't feel well, it is written all over my face. I have always been this way. I am really not good at faking it. My friends have always been able to tell when I am just done. Andrew now knows when these times are here and even how to fix them most of the time. Blanche however... she sees the tiredness, and she just doesn't want me to be tired. I mean, me neither girlfriend. But it just kind of stinks. I was buckling her in the car the other day completely exhausted. I bumped her face or something. I sighed and said sorry. She said not to use that voice. Not in a bratty kind of way. But more like, "Come on mom. Don't sound tired and totally disappointed. Be happy mommy." These sort of expectations drive me a bit mad. I am a perfectionist and it makes me sort of wish I could be happy robot mommy all the time. But I know I can't. And part of it is Blanche understanding what it means for me to tired. Part of it is me being bit nicer when I am tired. We are both learning and growing together through this pregnancy.

Rosemary is still a baby. She is only 17 months old. She really exhausts me physically more than anything. And even that seems to be getting a bit better. But she is still in the easy phase of feeling loved with kisses and hugs and reading a book together. Blanche, at almost four asked me today, "Mom do you still love me?" when I was completely exhausted and she wasn't listening. Sometimes I feel hurt that she would ever even have to ask me that. But then I remember that she's not the perfect angel either. Blanche doesn't nap regularly. She is slowly becoming better about "quiet time." The big problem however is that she is a very big people person and hates to be all alone in a room. So this normally means me half asleep in the recliner, while Blanche watches a show, or asks a whole bunch of questions, or even at times dumps toys on me and opens my eyelids. I don't stand for the last two things. But she still tries to do them at times. I'm sure I could be more strict about letting me rest, and maybe that would help the rest of the day. Maybe I am just rambling... but it is frustrating to want to be a certain high energy mom... but feel like I am slipping into a coma all afternoon, even while drinking coffee.

Blanche and I snuggled in the chair this afternoon and read books together. We colored shapes she drew on big pieces of white paper. I talked with her all day about all sorts of things. I was tired. I sighed a lot. I told her to please just don't grab the fly swatter and try to kill the fly. I was almost in tears about it I was so tired and couldn't handle one more thing.

This too shall pass.

It will all pass.

I won't be pregnant forever. Blanche and I will both hopefully come out on the other end realizing we are just two humans that are a lot alike, trying to be together almost 24/7. But I still can't help thinking about Blanche at night. I tell myself and pray that I could maybe say yes to playing blocks tomorrow morning. Or even just grab a cup of coffee and sit with the girls and play. That maybe when they are sleeping I can make a resolution to play for awhile and put the laundry down. That maybe these feelings I get once they are asleep can help me remember that soon blocks won't matter so much anymore. That window of time will be closed. And that maybe I am sentimental at night for a reason.

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